So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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