is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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