We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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