i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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