I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
