So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
