Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
