I think I am morally bankrupt
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
