for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
