Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.