Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.