I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
