Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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