I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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