I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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