need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
