I faked an abortion last night.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
