Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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