Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
