shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
