i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
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No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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