True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
