I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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