capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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