youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
