Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
