I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm passing your future prison.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
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I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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