watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
