My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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