Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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