how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
