you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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