i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
