Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
