3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
