I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My nipple is on Facebook.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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