Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
