Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have demons in me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
