I think I won the penis lottery.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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