my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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