We're like a lot better than the average bears
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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