Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize