of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
