apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
