I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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