Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
