mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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