he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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