I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
literally had 100 drinks last night.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
