I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
