when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
