god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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