So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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