Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
