just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We need to get me chipped asap
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
