I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
