we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
