I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
