She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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