I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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