maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
