Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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